I need some damn sleep

I've always had a problem sleeping but usually I can get a good night's sleep after I take my sleeping pills. Trazadone. The last week however I can't sleep at all. Last night I took 3 trazadone's and a muscle relaxer but still didn't sleep. I don't know what the problem is. I have an app't Friday with the shrink at VA, hopefully she can prescribe me something.

It's starting to sink in

It's still hard to believe what is happening but I'm slowly coming to grips with it. I go to the VA in Oklahoma City on June 7th for some pre-op work. I have no idea when the surgery will be but I'm assuming at least another week or two after that. So it will probably be the end of June or maybe even July before I get this done. This is one thing I hate about VA is the fact that everything moves so slow. But it's the gov't running it so it's a model for inefficiency.

It's one thing to wait on an elective surgery, or even a surgery for something important but still not life threatening, but it's absolutely nerve racking waiting on cancer surgery knowing that every day that goes by lessens my chance for survival. But I guess I should be thankful for having VA. It's just frustrating to see people who want gov't run health care without realizing that there HAS to be a better way. Why do you think the Canadians who can afford it come here instead of using their gov't run health care. Do you really want the same morons who run the DMV running health care?

Had a bad day yesterday

I ran out of pain medicine and so I drank some gin to ease the pain of my back. Well I went overboard and acted like a fool. I guess this kidney thing is affecting me more than I thought. I embarrassed myself and ruined my wife's and my sister's night. My sis was here helping me watch Tucker.

Oh well, I guess it's understandable being nervous but there's no need for me to act like I did. But it's over and done with so all I can do is learn and go on. I just need to face this and beat it.

Hanging in there

Just thought I'd update, I'm doing ok. It's still a shock to know that I probably have cancer. I'm just doing the waiting game again. I wish we could just get it over with. Let's get in there and cut that sucker out. I want to get on with my life. I hate waiting. Especially since there's something growing in me that may kill me.

Now I want all of the whiny do-gooders to notice something. I am not blaming the tobacco industry for this. If my smoking caused this then I take full responsibility. It's not their fault. I'm a man and I am mature enough to make my own decisions and also man enough to accept the consequences of my actions.

Well I'm gonna get off of here, talk to ya later.

Cancer

I had a CT scan on my kidney yesterday and the Dr found a tumor he is sure is cancer. I knew there was SOMETHING on my kidney due to an ultrasound and I was also aware that there was a good chance that it might be cancer but to actually hear it is terrible. I don't have many details, the Dr said that he didn't see where the cancer had spread on the CT scan but he's also a urologist, not a radiologist or an oncologist so one of them might look at it and see something different.

The next step is that VA in Oklahoma City will contact me and they'll take over my treatment. They'll probably end up removing my kidney. If the cancer hasn't spread that may take care of it. If kidney cancer is caught before it spreads it is highly survivable, if it has spread the survival percentage drops considerably.

So now I have the biggest fight of my life. I'm 35 years old, this shouldn't happen to people my age. But it does so all I can do is fight it and get on with my life. I have a 2 year old boy who's counting on me. Your prayers would be appreciated.

Just checking in

I've been busy with school. I go Wednesday to find out about the spot on my kidney. Hopefully it turns out to be nothing. I'm concerned about it though. My shoulders and back have been hurting a lot too but that's usual. Tucker is growing like a weed. More later, bye.